Monday, February 4, 2008

Lessons I've learned the hard way

Cheetos should be eaten after you've put your contacts in.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Malfunction In The Making

Ok, I've started feeling really bad for P.C. He's polite, professional, and only wants to fit in. In "cool clique" type fashion, Mac won't let it happen, and I have a feeling P.C.'s on the verge of a major meltdown.

You're not as great as you think you are Mac. Yes you wear designer t-shirts. Yes your jeans have an intentional hole in them. You're smug smile screams trendyness. But your facade is transparent. That you pretend not to enjoy your victories over your rival only makes you more intolerable.
You might just want to tone it down a little. I really think we're about two more commericals away from this:

Start Commercial

(P.C. sits at a table in the big white room accross from a lady who is obviously his date. The woman is cute, but her glasses and a pony tail are obvious signs of low self confidence). A half empty bottle of wine sits in between them and from the looks of things, the two are having a very good time. Enter Mac, screen right, in between two supermodels clad in bikinis).

Mac: Oh, hey P.C. What do you know, we both picked the same place for our date.

P.C.: Mac, we saw you follow us here. I know you're just trying to make me feel bad again.

(Mac lets out cocky laugh)

Mac: Well, I was just cruising around on a safari when I met these two lovely ladies. This is iBabs and iCher. Doesn't the lowercase i in front of their name make them even hotter and cooler than they already are?

P.C.: Um....sure. Well it's nice to meet you, have a nice evening.

Mac: Where'd you have to explore to meet this girl?

(P.C. is noticably frustrated, but trying to keep his cool)

P.C.: Ok, why don't you go sit down Mac?

Mac: No seriously, how'd you even get her to go out with you? You don't excel at anything. The outlook on you getting lucky is pretty grim.

(Turns to girls arrogantly, makes obnoxious hand gesture)

Mac: Word.

(At this point, P.C. snaps. He takes the wine bottle and smashes it over Mac's head. Mac falls to the ground unconscious. P.C. then grabs his chair and pummels Mac 27 times). Mac lies in a pool of wine and his own blood, obviously dead. Enter 3 cops who try and wrestle P.C. to the ground. He puts up a good fight, but is eventually tasered.

End Commercial

There's a lot of built up frustration inside that Pentium Processor. I just hope Mac sees it in time.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Monday, December 17, 2007

My Completely Unpolitical/Non Religious Beef With Veggietales

OK, pretending the last few months didn't happen, let's give this blog thing one more shot before it fades into the darkness.

I just went to the movies and saw a preview for the new "Veggietales" Movie. Now I've never seen an episode, movie, or any type of Veggietales production for that matter. Based on my limited knowledge of this program, I think it's safe to assume it all revolves animated, talking vegetables. Fine, cool, whatever floats your boat.

So I'm watching this preview and I find out the 3 main characters are a Cucumber, Grape, and Gourd. Anyone else see the problem here?

Vegetable Identification check real fast.

1) Cucumber: Check.

2) Grape: Leave, you're clearly a fruit.

3) Gourd: Hold on, nobody really knows what you are. Seriously, I asked 3 friends (1 being a vegetarian) and brought in two different search engines and still don't have an accurate idea of where exactly gourd falls on the spectrum (wiki says fruit but you always need to second check wiki). I'm still not sure a gourd is even edible.

Regardless, how can you promote a show about 3 talking vegetables when only 1 is a clear cut veggie?

I've now officially renamed it Vegefruitambiguousfoodietales.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Where the heck have you been?

Happy One monthiversary since my last post. I'm pretty bad at this whole thing.

I appreciate all the subtle suggestions from the "die hard" readers to get me going again.

I liked the one about how hard it is to get a good bite on a whole plate of nachos...and how comedians should start telling people "we have a crappy show tonight and couldn't really book any good guests," but stick around!

But after today's life changing moment, it's become clear what I need to write about.

Who knew a casual trip to the vending machine would make such a difference. There I was, in a mode of indecisiveness that was even impressive for me, when I decided to give Butterfinger Crisp a try.

Like millions of Americans, I've glanced over The Crisp thousands of times on a way to a different candy selection. It just never seemed to be that appealing of a chocolate hybrid.

But holy Bart Simpson, Nestle is doing a terrible job marketing this thing. It's the world's biggest secret. It's nobody's go to chocolate bar and it may just be the best thing going right now.

It's all the fun of your normal butterfinger, plus a little wafer that really puts the taste over the top...and that's only part of its glory.

As a huge fan of Butterfinger the original, I've always had a problem with it's crumblyness. After far too many pieces of chocolate and finger have fallen into the crevices of my keyboard, I banished the bar from the only pulling it out on the golf course. It went from my ace to my long reliever.

To my pleasant surprise, The Crisp eliminates this problem. The wafery goodness holds the whole thing together. It's technology way beyond our chocolate years.

So everybody out there who hasn't tried The Crisp (and that's everybody out there), go buy one before they're taken off the market. Let's tip this thing and give it a fair shot.

You too will be wondering where it's been for so this blog.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Who Is The Mailer Daemon???

And how does she know every e-mail address in the world?

(It has to be female. No man in the world has an address book this up to date)