Monday, December 17, 2007

My Completely Unpolitical/Non Religious Beef With Veggietales

OK, pretending the last few months didn't happen, let's give this blog thing one more shot before it fades into the darkness.

I just went to the movies and saw a preview for the new "Veggietales" Movie. Now I've never seen an episode, movie, or any type of Veggietales production for that matter. Based on my limited knowledge of this program, I think it's safe to assume it all revolves animated, talking vegetables. Fine, cool, whatever floats your boat.

So I'm watching this preview and I find out the 3 main characters are a Cucumber, Grape, and Gourd. Anyone else see the problem here?

Vegetable Identification check real fast.

1) Cucumber: Check.

2) Grape: Leave, you're clearly a fruit.

3) Gourd: Hold on, nobody really knows what you are. Seriously, I asked 3 friends (1 being a vegetarian) and brought in two different search engines and still don't have an accurate idea of where exactly gourd falls on the spectrum (wiki says fruit but you always need to second check wiki). I'm still not sure a gourd is even edible.

Regardless, how can you promote a show about 3 talking vegetables when only 1 is a clear cut veggie?

I've now officially renamed it Vegefruitambiguousfoodietales.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Where the heck have you been?

Happy One monthiversary since my last post. I'm pretty bad at this whole thing.

I appreciate all the subtle suggestions from the "die hard" readers to get me going again.

I liked the one about how hard it is to get a good bite on a whole plate of nachos...and how comedians should start telling people "we have a crappy show tonight and couldn't really book any good guests," but stick around!

But after today's life changing moment, it's become clear what I need to write about.

Who knew a casual trip to the vending machine would make such a difference. There I was, in a mode of indecisiveness that was even impressive for me, when I decided to give Butterfinger Crisp a try.

Like millions of Americans, I've glanced over The Crisp thousands of times on a way to a different candy selection. It just never seemed to be that appealing of a chocolate hybrid.

But holy Bart Simpson, Nestle is doing a terrible job marketing this thing. It's the world's biggest secret. It's nobody's go to chocolate bar and it may just be the best thing going right now.

It's all the fun of your normal butterfinger, plus a little wafer that really puts the taste over the top...and that's only part of its glory.

As a huge fan of Butterfinger the original, I've always had a problem with it's crumblyness. After far too many pieces of chocolate and finger have fallen into the crevices of my keyboard, I banished the bar from the only pulling it out on the golf course. It went from my ace to my long reliever.

To my pleasant surprise, The Crisp eliminates this problem. The wafery goodness holds the whole thing together. It's technology way beyond our chocolate years.

So everybody out there who hasn't tried The Crisp (and that's everybody out there), go buy one before they're taken off the market. Let's tip this thing and give it a fair shot.

You too will be wondering where it's been for so this blog.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Who Is The Mailer Daemon???

And how does she know every e-mail address in the world?

(It has to be female. No man in the world has an address book this up to date)

Sunday, July 29, 2007

See Ya July

And all the great stories you gave us
Cool stuff like that never happens to me when I go to the dentist. Sad.
This is my nomination for story of the year. There's no point in me even writing anything else.
Yes, this will definately draw some attention to shrinkage. I just don't think it will be of the glacier variety.

Here's one fresh from the newswire:

But if you happen to be in the area before Monday...looks like you're in the clear.

"Barry Bonds broke baseball's all-time home run record last night with a towering, eighth-inning long ball against the Washington Nationals. After smashing his 756th career home run, the seven-time National League MVP pumped his fists in the air repeatedly. Bonds then reached into his back pocket and pulled out a large syringe labeled "DRUGS FOR CHEATING AT BASEBALL." The San Francisco Giants slugger lowered his pants, injected himself in the buttocks, and extended both middle fingers before setting off on his record-setting jaunt around the bases."

Monday, July 23, 2007

Great Joke, Wish I made it.

Leno: The Only Chance That Michael Vick has of getting off is an all cat jury.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Unnecessary Over-Analysis of Fast Food Advertising

So Subway has ripped off the monopoly game from McDonalds and put Scrabble stickers on their drinks and tuna and what not.

I'm fine with that, mostly because I can't stop laughing at the new commercial.

Why are all the folks who get soaked by flying soft drinks so happy? They've just been pelted by a stream of cola and look like they've never been more satisfied. Why aren't they jealous that the person next to them (who has just ruined their clothing) has just won a Sandals vacation? After all, they were probably either just in front or behind the beverage chucker in line to buy their sub and just barely missed the winning sticker.

Subway has seriously misrepresented a strangers reaction to being drenched with diet. Next time I'm there, I plan to hurl my drink all over my sandwich artist before declaring "sorry, I thought I got the letter x."

Monday, June 25, 2007


It's that time of year again where you get to play tennis on grass.

I love watching adult tennis players get little league green stains on their elbows.

It got me to think...what other sports would be hilarious on alternative surfaces? Here's what I got off the top of my head.

1) Soccer on Ice
2) Stock Car Racing on The Beach (Picture Pit Stops)
3) Golf On Hardwood Floors (700 Yard Drives)
4) Football In The Ocean*
5) Hockey In Confined Basement On Carpet*
6) Baseball In A Raquetball Court
7) Basketball On Rubber
8) Golf On Ski Slope**
9) Wrestling On a Hammock
10) Boxing In an Open Helicopter

Let Me Know If You Can Think of Others

*Been There, Done That
**Actually Exists

Thank You Hooters Dirty Hands Wipey Thingy

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Friday, June 22, 2007

Even Rocky Had A...

Alright, Time to get back on track here.

I've gotten lazy. This blog has gotten lazy.

As I rehab the knee, it's obvious I need to get back in shape. The problem is I can't find an 80's montage lying around anywhere.

If you come accross one, let me know. Then we'll be back in business.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

On The Eve Of A MRI

Note: This Blog Post is 50% serious. For 100% Nonsense, Please See Every Other Post.

It's been quite a hellacious week, but even the most painful situations are loaded with comedy.

First, a quick catch up:

Wednesday Afternoon...Playing Basketball...Playing Defense...Collide With Another Player...Knee Dislocates to back of my leg. Screaming...Lying...Paramedics...Screaming.
Stretcher...Screaming...Ambulance Ride...Potholes...Emergency Room...Screaming...
Knee Popped Back in...Less Screaming...Xrays...Waiting..Knee Fracture...Discharge...Hospital Pharmacy...
Passing Out On Stairs...Code Blue...25 Doctors/Nurses...Emergency Room...Sandwich.

Now the funny parts:

-The perfect way to feel calm about an injury is to have everybody who sees it scream and turn their eyes.

-I'm lying on the floor with my kneecap in a different time zone, and the only thing the paramedics can seem to ask me: When is your birthday? Do you have a fever? It's as if they're trying to deduce what's wrong with me...or if it's too late to get me a present.

-People at the office are coming up with some great nicknames. "One and a Half Step" and "Leggy" are my two favorites. But one person keeps calling me "wheels" and it makes absolutely no sense. There are so many great ones to pick from. Can you please insult me correctly?

-Everybody I interact with (whether I know them or not) has a comment about how messed up by summer is going to be. It's funny, because these people honestly feel like they're consoling you. The sad part is, when the shoe is on the other foot (or the brace is on the other leg) and future me is trying to console somebody, I will most likely say the same thing.

-After Passing Out on the stairs and reappearing in the E.R., my doctor looks me in the eye, laughs and says "Ha, I guess we should have fed you while you were here the first time."

So now I sit her waiting for my appointment with the ortho tomorrow. I'm scared out of my mind trying to anticipate what lies beneath the skin (Last night I dreamt my knee was soup..and all the ligaments/bones were floating around in a brothy like subtance ((hopefully egg drop))).
The more I read the worse it gets, yet I can't stop browsing amateur medical websites.

People keep wishing me luck for the morning. It's a nice thing to say, but it's totally irritating. What's done is done with my knee. If I need surgery, no luck will change that tonight. I wish people would say: Good luck walking down the stairs with crutches...or going to the bathroom. These are areas where I need all the help I can get.

Don't people know it's not proper to wish good luck anyway? If I remember correctly, the right thing to say in this kind of situation is "Break a Leg!"

Friday, June 8, 2007

Easiest Joke of the Week Before ESPN, Weekend Update, or Letterman Makes it:

At least someone in the family can make a cut.

<---------John Daly, After Being Stabbed By His Wife With a Steak Knife*
*Do the Daly's own any other kind of knives? Doubtful

People From Michigan...

Love to show you where they are from on their hand.

I'm glad this state isn't shaped like other parts of the body.

Do people from Rhode Island show you where they are from on their fingernail?

Monday, June 4, 2007

The Best 3 Words In Football

The Broncos signed Sam Adams today! Why am I so pumped about inking an over the hill, average performing defensive tackle? The most exciting play in football could be on its way to the Mile High City.

I'm not exaggerating when I say the most exhilarating thing a hardcore or casual fan can be a part of is "fat guy running." Overtime, game winning field goals, and kick returns can't combine to elicit the same job dropping response.

Fat in football is much more significant than fat in society. Your average lineman is 300 lbs, so for me to consider you fat, you've got to be pushing 400.

And when you see a fifth of a ton scoop up a football and take off towards the end zone, you're bound to smile.*

My personal favorite "fat guy running" came courtesy of Mr. Adams (shown left). He was a member of the Bills and my memory puts his weight at half a grand. The ball deflected towards "the man mountain," and after a few juggles, he had the interception. Adams took off about as fast as Newman running from the dilophosaurus. Since his arms were wider than the football, you couldn't see the pigskin as he cradled it between his "chest" and "forearm." He ran 37 yards for the score, and it was the greatest 7 minutes of the year.**

So Sam, now that you've made it out of Cincinnati without ending up in a Hamilton County Jail, please set a football milestone. Denver is ready to watch you become the only defense lineman ever to record a "Pick 6" for 3 different NFL teams.

*During a couple of lucky football Sundays at 831, the words "Fat Guy Running" would come screaming out of a viewers' mouth as everybody else in the room quickly shifted their attention.

**Fat Guy Running also plays a big part in the NFL's past. See The Only Triumphant Moment in Buffalo Super Bowl History.

If Somebody On The Atkins Diet...

Says to you: "It's the greatest thing since sliced bread,"

don't be that impressed.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Is your test digital or analog?

I saw this commercial for the 2nd time today. The 1st time, it simultaneously caught the ear of Bill (weekend news anchor) and myself, giving us one of those moments where we really didn't know what hit us until it was too late to react.

All day I'm thinking: "Did I just hear what I thought I heard?"

Lo and behold, it's true.

Now I always make fun of my dad for being obsessed with gadgets. He loves to have his finger on the pulse of new technology. I'm crossing my fingers this is one instance he leaves a new invention alone.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Super secret post ahead: please don't read

Did you know the average life span of a fly is 24 hours? That's it! 24 hours to experience the world. Eat food, go to school, avoid frogs, get married, have babies, eat food, get your 100 contact lenses refilled, find the meaning of life. To me, this if fascinating. Makes you wonder, doesn't it? It makes you wonder: Do flies get made fun of by their friends if they are still virgins at 9am?

I've wanted to start a blog for a while. Not because I think it will be informative or thought provoking. Not because it will be insightful or funny. Not because it's a great outlet to vent.*

I'm starting this because I'm a professional writer, but I never write.

I come up with the best way to tell sports stories, where they belong in a show, and with what other stories they should they be adjacent to. I write packages, and vo/sots, and vosotvos, and sotvosotvos. I write highights, graphics, and some of the cheesiest puns you can wrap your brain around. I enjoy doing it very much. But it's all within the context of my job.

I've never been one to write just for the hell of it. I'm not a journal guy. Frankly, I'm not sure how many true "journal people" there are left out there.

My friend's ex-girlfriend has an online journal. I've never read it, but I hear it's priceless. Does anybody else see the contradiction in posting the most personal pieces of your life on the world wide web? It's absurd.

No pretend privacy here. I want people to read this, and most importantly, I want people to respond with thoughts of their own.

People are funny. Stupid people are really funny. Most of the world is pretty funny. There are dozens of moments it causes me laugh to myself every day. So instead of forgetting these instances minutes after they happen, I'll now keep a running log.

A blog log. Although that's redundant. Kind of like ATM machine.

See ya soon, just after the fly on my wall has a mid-day crisis**.

*I hope it can still provide all of these things

**I love footnotes. I will continue to use them for no apparent reason.