See Ya July

And all the great stories you gave us

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/law/07/27/jokester.dentist.ap/index.html
Cool stuff like that never happens to me when I go to the dentist. Sad.


http://www.silive.com/news/advance/index.ssf?/base/news/118319238613250.xml&coll=1
This is my nomination for story of the year. There's no point in me even writing anything else.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/07/19/glacier.nudes.ap/index.html
Yes, this will definately draw some attention to shrinkage. I just don't think it will be of the glacier variety.

Here's one fresh from the newswire:
"OVER 5-THOUSAND MARIJUANA PLANTS HAVE BEEN FOUND IN DALLAS, TEXAS. THE NEARLY 3-ACRE SPREAD COVERED IN THE POT PLANT CAN BE SEEN FROM THE AIR. THE PLANTS WERE FOUND PLANTED UNDER SOME TREES OFF A DALLAS HIGHWAY. POLICE WILL BE ON THE GROUND MONDAY TO SECURE AND COLLECT EVIDENCE."

But if you happen to be in the area before Monday...looks like you're in the clear.

From Slate.com
"Barry Bonds broke baseball's all-time home run record last night with a towering, eighth-inning long ball against the Washington Nationals. After smashing his 756th career home run, the seven-time National League MVP pumped his fists in the air repeatedly. Bonds then reached into his back pocket and pulled out a large syringe labeled "DRUGS FOR CHEATING AT BASEBALL." The San Francisco Giants slugger lowered his pants, injected himself in the buttocks, and extended both middle fingers before setting off on his record-setting jaunt around the bases."

Great Joke, Wish I made it.

Leno: The Only Chance That Michael Vick has of getting off is an all cat jury.

Unnecessary Over-Analysis of Fast Food Advertising

So Subway has ripped off the monopoly game from McDonalds and put Scrabble stickers on their drinks and tuna and what not.

I'm fine with that, mostly because I can't stop laughing at the new commercial.

Why are all the folks who get soaked by flying soft drinks so happy? They've just been pelted by a stream of cola and look like they've never been more satisfied. Why aren't they jealous that the person next to them (who has just ruined their clothing) has just won a Sandals vacation? After all, they were probably either just in front or behind the beverage chucker in line to buy their sub and just barely missed the winning sticker.

Subway has seriously misrepresented a strangers reaction to being drenched with diet. Next time I'm there, I plan to hurl my drink all over my sandwich artist before declaring "sorry, I thought I got the letter x."

Wimbledon

It's that time of year again where you get to play tennis on grass.

I love watching adult tennis players get little league green stains on their elbows.

It got me to think...what other sports would be hilarious on alternative surfaces? Here's what I got off the top of my head.

1) Soccer on Ice
2) Stock Car Racing on The Beach (Picture Pit Stops)
3) Golf On Hardwood Floors (700 Yard Drives)
4) Football In The Ocean*
5) Hockey In Confined Basement On Carpet*
6) Baseball In A Raquetball Court
7) Basketball On Rubber
8) Golf On Ski Slope**
9) Wrestling On a Hammock
10) Boxing In an Open Helicopter

Let Me Know If You Can Think of Others

*Been There, Done That
**Actually Exists

Thank You Hooters Dirty Hands Wipey Thingy

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Even Rocky Had A...

Alright, Time to get back on track here.

I've gotten lazy. This blog has gotten lazy.

As I rehab the knee, it's obvious I need to get back in shape. The problem is I can't find an 80's montage lying around anywhere.

If you come accross one, let me know. Then we'll be back in business.

On The Eve Of A MRI

Note: This Blog Post is 50% serious. For 100% Nonsense, Please See Every Other Post.

It's been quite a hellacious week, but even the most painful situations are loaded with comedy.

First, a quick catch up:

Wednesday Afternoon...Playing Basketball...Playing Defense...Collide With Another Player...Knee Dislocates to back of my leg. Screaming...Lying...Paramedics...Screaming.
Stretcher...Screaming...Ambulance Ride...Potholes...Emergency Room...Screaming...
Knee Popped Back in...Less Screaming...Xrays...Waiting..Knee Fracture...Discharge...Hospital Pharmacy...
Passing Out On Stairs...Code Blue...25 Doctors/Nurses...Emergency Room...Sandwich.

Now the funny parts:

-The perfect way to feel calm about an injury is to have everybody who sees it scream and turn their eyes.

-I'm lying on the floor with my kneecap in a different time zone, and the only thing the paramedics can seem to ask me: When is your birthday? Do you have a fever? It's as if they're trying to deduce what's wrong with me...or if it's too late to get me a present.

-People at the office are coming up with some great nicknames. "One and a Half Step" and "Leggy" are my two favorites. But one person keeps calling me "wheels" and it makes absolutely no sense. There are so many great ones to pick from. Can you please insult me correctly?

-Everybody I interact with (whether I know them or not) has a comment about how messed up by summer is going to be. It's funny, because these people honestly feel like they're consoling you. The sad part is, when the shoe is on the other foot (or the brace is on the other leg) and future me is trying to console somebody, I will most likely say the same thing.

-After Passing Out on the stairs and reappearing in the E.R., my doctor looks me in the eye, laughs and says "Ha, I guess we should have fed you while you were here the first time."

So now I sit her waiting for my appointment with the ortho tomorrow. I'm scared out of my mind trying to anticipate what lies beneath the skin (Last night I dreamt my knee was soup..and all the ligaments/bones were floating around in a brothy like subtance ((hopefully egg drop))).
The more I read the worse it gets, yet I can't stop browsing amateur medical websites.

People keep wishing me luck for the morning. It's a nice thing to say, but it's totally irritating. What's done is done with my knee. If I need surgery, no luck will change that tonight. I wish people would say: Good luck walking down the stairs with crutches...or going to the bathroom. These are areas where I need all the help I can get.

Don't people know it's not proper to wish good luck anyway? If I remember correctly, the right thing to say in this kind of situation is "Break a Leg!"